A little tease...

This is my current inpiration. Grace Margaret Brown Hayes. My great x 4 grandmother. She has a story to tell. I've spent the last 5 years, off and on, trying to figure out what that story is. I'm currently researching but will begin writing soon.

I'm so stinkin' excited...

Misnomer of full and empty...

"The impulse to write things down is a peculiarly compulsive one, inexplicable to those who do not share it, useful only accidentally, only secondarily, in the way that any compulsion tries to justify itself.... Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant re-arrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss." - Joan Didion, On Keeping a Notebook


I feel normal this morning. Like some kind of balance has been restored to this mad existence I've been experiencing over the past year. As if the purging I've done over the last week has somehow removed that acrid poison from my brain.

I know sometimes I'm harsh. I know sometimes I hurt people with words.

Words - my most effective tool, or weapon even. I wield them like a sword, slashing and cutting, spewing them forth as daggers at whomever I feel to be the current foe. Then, when the volcano of verbiage has erupted, when it is left empty and the ashes cooled, I feel...well, liberated.

It's so dangerous to bottle up words, feelings, thoughts. They tend to grow into something that isn't rational. They eat at your soul from the inside out leaving you empty. Would it not be less painful to others if I didn't hold on to those words until they can only be expressed in a cloud of hurt and anger?

Interesting, isn't it? That I would say being full of your own thoughts leaves you feeling empty? That purging the poison leaves you feeling full? Perhaps full and empty are misnomers in this instance. Yet, I don't have another word that fits for either case.

I can spend a lot of time analyzing myself. Not necessary, I suppose. You don't need me to tell you that I'm fickle, or moody, that I can be spiteful and sometimes downright mean, that I have no patience for those who intentionally keep themselves ignorant of the truths in life.

Yet, here I sit, often ignoring my own truths. Like the fact that sometimes I overreact to something that is, in fact, much less complicated than I've made it out to be. Or, that sometimes I say things that I shouldn't because, while they may be true in that particular moment, they're not overall, all the time, the real and consistent truth.

When I'm hurt and angry I tend to view the world, the circumstances, in a very distorted way. It's almost like wearing glasses with cracked lenses. Things that seem far away are, in actuality, right under my nose. Warning! Objects in mirror are closer than they appear...

But, that's life sometimes, isn't it? If you think of your brain kind of like a file cabinet, all the experiences, hurts, and things that make you who you are, all tucked away neatly, compartmentalized into neat little rows that somehow make it easier to deal with yourself.

 Imagine then, that someone has taken that file cabinet and dumped it all in the floor. This file is mixed in with that file, no order. Chaos that brings that little panicky feeling to the back of your throat. You feel it choking you and you don't know where to start to put everything back together.

Then, some jerk steps in and throws a few more of your files in the floor. What do you do? Where do you go from there?

I come here. I lay it all out, bare and naked, for the world to see. I sort through the words until they all fall into place again. Until all my files have been restored to their proper place and I can, once again, breathe.

Enough...

I’ve spent a great deal of the last few days explaining myself to other people. It all goes back to that self preservation that stems from anger and hurt – people not understanding why I can’t just pretend it never happened and move on. I’m gonna tell you what I’ve told them.

It’s not over yet. “Person” is stuck in a vicious cycle of apologizing and lashing out. Things are only fine as long as “person” is getting their way. How many times are “you” going to forgive person for repeatedly doing the same hurtful things over and over again before “you” decide it’s enough?

I’ve reached enough. I don’t have to allow abusive and deceitful punks to infiltrate my life. I can forgive someone without placing myself in a position to be abused again.

I think it’s been temporarily forgotten that I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Many of them…

I’ve learned that I don’t have to live that way. I’ve learned that loving someone doesn’t mean they are supposed to be a part of your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate all manner of shit that they want to pile on you. I've learned that "sorry" is something you DO, not something you SAY.

Fact is, you throw shit on me and I’m gonna throw it right back. I might even shove some of your own shit down your throat in the process. Then, I’m going to wash off the shit you piled on me and get on with my life – poop free.

I don’t care if you’re a friend, family member, or just a random stranger, you are not going to move past my enough. I’m drawing a line in the sand. If person ever decided to act like they are somebody, to act like the adult they claim to be, then person and I can have a discussion. Until then….

Enough…

Primal Anger and Self Preservation

I suppose it's not news to anyone that, for the last year, I've been in a very dark place. For the past 3 months, it's been even darker -- sometimes dangerously so. I wonder, if I had kept writing, if I wouldn't have been able to keep my head above water. Occasionally I've been able to come up for air, but most times I find it much simpler, somehow less painful, to close my eyes and relax into the abyss - that quiet place where no one can touch me.

Is it lonely, you ask? Sometimes. But, sometimes the benefit of self preservation is greater than the risk of loneliness. If you can't see me, if you can't touch me, you can't hurt me.

Then, there are days like yesterday. Days when someone penetrates my shell and hurts me anyway. Hurt me in a way I can't ever recover from. The relationship will never be 100% ever again. It reached the point, that while I someday might be able to forgive enough to avoid the risk of living with bitter hatred in my heart, I will never forget. I will never grant that person access to my heart again.

I'm usually not a violent person, but yesterday, in that moment, someone touched that primal nerve and unleashed something in me I haven't seen in a long time. The words were more violent than anything I physically did. I said things I couldn't take back, things I'm sure I didn't mean, and I said them on purpose. I said them "with" purpose. That primal urge burned the bridge beyond repair. Not for me. I was already at that point. I burned it beyond repair for "that person". That need to self preserve won. I "fixed" it so that person would never want to be close enough to me to hurt me again - so I would never have to risk trusting them again.

Someone came into my life about a year ago. That's when the dark place came. It took me months to start to find peace with it - to begin to feel like everything might be OK. Then came the gut punch. The realization that it was all a lie. That I had been deceived in such a huge way...

The last thing that hurt me this way was when J's dad walked out of his life without looking back.

My mother and my husband have each asked me, "Do you really mean that? It will never be ok? What if "person" makes a huge change and is apologetic?"

I really mean that.
It will never again be ok.
I will never believe the apology. It's clouded by lies.
I will always hear "what if" in the back of my head.
I will always be hurt by the sight of that person.
I don't know what else to say about it.


.......

Thankful for Bacon

I logged into Facebook this morning, overwhelmed by my own fog of negativity and saw a couple of posts that got my attention.  They referenced those annoying status updaters that never seem to have anything good to say. Those Negative Nellies, those Woe Is Me’ers, those Proclaimers of Gloom and Doom, that we all wonder if donkeys might fly by with hearts and flowers trailing out of their behinds if they were to offer something positive to grace the world of Facebook.

Rather than replying with some witty negativity of my own, and thus becoming part of the problem, I thought it best to issue a request that anyone who read my status offer up something positive. There’s nothing encouraging than starting off your day by reflecting upon what it is you’re thankful for.

So many of you were thankful for, of all things, me. How humbling that was. There were too many to try and respond to each one of you with an individual comment on my status. Instead, I opted to come here and respond to each one of you.  Because I respect your privacy, I will remove your last names. So, no worries that I’m flinging you out into the blogosphere unprotected. J

So, without further delay:

Regina: “I'm thankful I can turn on my faucet and get clean water without any thought. Might not seem like much, but considering the alternative...”

You know, I’m thankful for that too.  To me, clean water seems like a huge thing. I can always count on you to think outside the box. That makes me thankful for you.

Tana: “Very thankful to God for my wonderful husband. He is perfect for me, I strive to be the kind of wife that he is a husband.

I wish more people felt this way about their spouses. So often, we take them for granted.

Don:   My wife... because she makes me a better person.

What can I say? I love that guy up there. ^^ He makes me smile. I’m so glad he told me I was going to marry him. *sigh*

Betty:  “Family because they love you no matter what!!

You’re darn tootin’ we do.

Maureen: “I am thankful that God is a living God and that He loves me!”

Me too! I enjoy reading your posts every day. In fact, your post was one of the ones that motivated me to ask what people were thankful for today. The negativity is overwhelming and I feel you on this one. Thank you for being such a positive energy every day.

Amie: “I am thankful for my sweet husband bc he loves me on my good days as well as my bad! He makes me a stronger, better, happier person.”

I am thankful that you and I were able to find a way to forge a friendship in such strange circumstances. You have been a constant reminder to me that there is life after ….. Well, you know. Thank you.

Tim: “Bacon”

You are such a man, Tim. Lol Thanks for the laugh. I am thankful for bacon too.

Debra: “I am thankful for my husband!! God truly blessed me with a wonderful, kind, caring, hard working man!!

I absolutely know what you mean. I feel the same way about my guy. I know without a doubt that I won the jackpot with him.

Stephanie: “My children they are the reflection of everything I wish I could be.”

Your children are the reflection of everything you are. You raised them. They emulate you. Don’t forget it!

Jerry: “I am thankful for my wonderful wife that God gave to me.Also Iam thankful for my children and grandchildren and stepgrandchildren. But most of all, I am thankful that God saved me. I am thankfull for a wonderful daughterinlaw. I love you Erica.”

I love you too! I have an equally wonderful father in law. Thank you for giving me such an awesome husband.

Dafeenah: “You. Because you are comfortable in the silence. That is a rare gift in a friend.”

I just stinkin’ love you. Thank you for being comfortable in my silence too. It’s nice to know that there is someone out there who gets it, who gets me. If I were a guy I think I’d marry you. *hugs*  lol

Barbara: “well you are one of the things I thank God for. you bring joy to my son's life as well as structure. You have been the back bone I never was. I don't just think you have been a positive influence on Don and Donnie, but to everyone including me.

P.S. you also make me more aware of my horrible spelling, so I have to look up a word before I post to your wall... hope that made you smile lol”

I’m thankful for you too. I’m thankful that you entrusted me with your child. What more precious gift is there? We’re family. It’s as simple as that. I did nothing special. You provided the foundation. I just provided a few finishing touches. J

And yes, you made me laugh.

Kim: “that I’m up and walking today.”

I know the feeling. Some might not realize the gravity of such a simple thing. As someone who has had days filled with doubt, I get it. I’m so glad I know you.

Updates and such...

So, there are new things and new old things going on in my world. Some I can speak freely about, and some I would love to speak freely about if I felt right about crossing the line between sharing stuff that’s mine and stuff that really belongs to someone else.

I recently quit following a fibromyalgia blog that I had subscribed to. I also removed it on facebook. Initially, I had stumbled across the blog while in the midst of the worst of the worst flares this past year. I remember thinking, “Aha, someone who gets it! There is someone who may be able to give me some coping mechanisms to work with, someone who will understand me!”

Instead, what I realized was that I was constantly inundated with all the negative aspects of fibromyalgia. It became my sole focus in life. I started every day with a status update from her that mentioned her pain or a blog update that showed up on my newsfeed mentioning her pain. My entire world began to revolve around how badly I felt and I couldn’t dig out of the hole. It makes sense, really. If you spend all of your waking hours thinking about pain and being miserable, of course you’re going to be in pain and miserable. Now, she’s gone and I feel better. Wonder if I should tell her all of that?

Over the last few weeks I’ve begun to notice just how much I’ve alienated myself. I’ve been sequestered at home, leaving only to go to work and run an errand here and there. I haven’t talked to the few friends I have in weeks, some for even months.

So, I made the nudge and scheduled some time for me. The plan is to see a movie and have dinner with my lifelong friend Friday night. Saturday I’m getting some salon time and having my hair done. I will also try and spend some time with my mom, maybe take her to run her errands. Saturday night I’m spending much needed quality time with my husband. Sunday is family day. I’m taking my husband and my kiddos and we’re finding something fun to do together.

After being off unpaid all week last week to help my mother out while she was sick, I probably shouldn’t spend the extra little bit to indulge myself and the family. However, in my defense, the bills are paid and there’s food to eat. No one is going to do without.

The “Birth-aversary” is coming up in a few weeks. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, Don and I were married on his birthday. We use the term because it’s so much simpler than saying “Don’s birthday slash our anniversary”.  No plans yet. But, if I had my way I’d just find a quiet corner to snuggle up with him and enjoy his company for a little while. Working opposite schedules wears on me sometimes and I miss him.

I’ve had a lot of disappointments lately.  I lost my little Lola a few weeks ago. She was playing in the yard with the kids and ran out into the street. Thankfully, it was instant and she didn’t suffer. We buried her in the yard underneath a big pine tree. She would have liked that.

People that I felt secure about have made some major life changes that have slightly shaken what I thought I knew about the people in my world. It’s not me being judgmental. Far from it. It’s more like me having trouble absorbing that what I thought “was” really “isn’t”.  You can never really know enough about what someone is thinking or feeling to judge them for their choices. Wish everyone knew that. All you can do is try your best to understand their point of view and be there in whatever way you can.

So, aside from discovering I was a little lonesome for some adult company, I guess I’m actually doing much better. Little by little, I’m slowly crawling out of my hole and looking around to see what I’ve missed.

If you happen to see me give me a wave…

Shame on you Lifetouch (and the school)...My letter ('cause that's what I do..)

DISCLAIMER: This is strictly my OPINION based on my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with Lifetouch. You make your determinations based on your own experiences, not mine. :)

Dear Lifetouch,

My son is in the 4^th grade at (deleted because I'm a smart Mama who is looking out for her kiddo). Since his first year of school when he started Pre-K five years ago, I do not have a single school photo of him.  I remember picture days as a child always being given a personal little black comb to make sure your hair was ok, and teachers and photographers making time to ensure that you were presentable prior to having a picture taken.

I emailed you about this same issue in October of 2010. I wish I had saved your response. I vaguely remember being told that it was the first year for Lifetouch to do photos at (that school) and that your photographers did everything possible to make sure photos were good. However, I did post a copy of the email I sent to you to Facebook and found overwhelming agreement regarding the quality of Lifetouch photos. I will be posting this letter on Facebook too. I will also be posting it on my blog. Again, overwhelming agreement when I mentioned it on my status update this morning.

Since Lifetouch has taken over, I have only bought a school portrait ONCE because his hair is a mess or, in the case of last year, he was wearing a hoodie over his nice shirt that I sent him to be photographed in and his hair was a mess or, because shirts are twisted, facial expressions are off, etc. The list goes on.

In fairness, I’ve bought pictures of my other children. However, they are much older and, unlike "J" (because I don't post kiddo's name on the blog), do not have special needs so they can be counted on to check their own appearance.

My question to you, in this digital age when a photo is instantly viewable after being taken, how in the world do you expect to sell portraits that look like this?

Is the ultimate goal to sell a portrait, or are you just trying to find something for budding photographers to do during the day and forking out money to pay them with no return on your investment?

Sincerely,