Wanted: Troll Bridge with reasonable living space beneath....

I’m not much of a communicator. Perhaps you’re thinking, “What? How can you spend so much time blabbing away at this blog and not be a communicator?”

It’s simple, really.  This here blog – Well, it’s not human interaction.

I’m funny. I’m smart. I can be fun to be around. But, with the exception of very few people I remain close to, I cannot find the energy to maintain relationships.

I do not call or email anyone – unless I have something specific to share. Then, it’s brief and to the point.

I wish I could adequately explain how much I LOATHE  the telephone.

Interaction with other humans requires a certain level of vulnerability and a great deal of stress for me. It means I have to be entertaining. It means emotional exposure.  It means I’m not allowed to be tired. It means hiding the physical pain that I deal with on a daily basis.

When someone asks me how I’m doing I begin to have really bizarre conversations with myself.

Should I tell them how I’m doing?

No, probably not.

Well, which response should I give? Should I say fine? Just freakin’ peachy? It’s another day? I’m tired? Should I go with the unconvincing, I’m great? C’mon, help me out here.

Well, just pick one. If you stand here much longer without answering, you’re gonna look like a complete dork.

But, it has to be believable. What do you think they’ll believe?

I don’t know. But, don’t tell them the truth. They’ll just think you’re a complainer.

But, I feel like crap.

Me too, but time’s up. Answer.

*sigh* “Umm, I’m ok, I guess.”

It really frustrates me that people don’t understand how difficult social interaction is for me. They think I’m being rude or that I’m angry with them. It’s neither of those things. Really, it just plain makes me uncomfortable.

I cringe when someone steps onto an elevator with me. I can be at work an entire day and someone will approach me with, “Oh, I didn’t even know you were here today.”

I have a small handful of people in my life who are considered safe. You know why they’re safe? Well, because I can spend long stretches of time with them without speaking and it’s ok.  I surround myself with people who don’t need to be entertained.

Did you know my husband and I have been known to go nearly a full day without saying two words to each other? This isn’t because we’re angry, or not speaking; it’s because we’re perfectly comfortable with the other one having nothing to say.

I think this is one trait of mine that drives my family nuts. But honestly, I don’t know how to get around it without supplying copious amounts of alcohol or maybe taking a tranquilizer first.

So, in the meantime, I’m taking my trollish self back under the bridge until next week when I’m ready to poke my head out again.