Wednesday, 23 February 2011

The beast we named "boy"....

This post came to me yesterday while coping with the chaos of peanut butter waffles, and a near miss, as I mistakenly passed through the Nerf Zone.

“Hey! You’ll put somebody’s eye out like that!”

What happened? Fifteen minutes ago they were the sweetest little angels, still cuddled with their blankets and sleeping peacefully.  I woke the sleeping beasts and I fed them…that’s what happened.

I’m a momma to boys. I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s nothing in the world that would make me trade in the joys of parenting these filthy, destructive little monsters for prissy little girls who are afraid to get their hands dirty. God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me these crazy mongrels that we humans refer to as “boys”.

Mothering boys is special.  Mothering boys is freedom. Mothering boys is gall-darn funny.

I feel like after the heaviness of last week’s post about mothering boys, I would share the lighter side of mothering a boy – the things that make you love them like crazy.

I laughed yesterday as they ran in and out of closets, nerf bullets flying by as they peeked around corners, crouched in the commando position, to fire upon one another.

When you hear the cackle of little boy laughter, the roar of a young male beast, all sensibility flies out the window, taking with it the concern that something might be broken. When they hit the kitchen floor on their socked feet and slide the length of the kitchen, the sheer joy expressed on their mischievous little faces melts my heart.

Here are some things that I’ve discovered boys will do:

1.       Boys will make flame throwers from chemical sprayers because it’s cool to watch. Although now, knowing that my oldest boy came through that one safely, without blowing up one of his extremities, I find this funny -- at the time, this was one of those rare occasions when I became the beast.

2.       Little boys will have deep belly laughs and forget to breathe when they have gas. Come to think of it, perhaps we should all forget to breathe for a few minutes when little boys have gas. I’m making a mental note of that one now.

3.       Little boys will roll in the dirt while wearing their church clothes and then have the nerve to look at Mom like she’s gone stupid when she collapses into uncontrollable fits of screaming and panic.

4.       Boys will stand on the back of the couch, wearing nothing but Spiderman underwear, assume the stance, and leap across the coffee table.

5.       Boys will find out you’re pregnant shortly after “the talk”, grab their very best friend and excitedly declare, “My mother is pregnant! The sperm hit the egg!”

6.       Little boys will lock themselves in the bathroom with the dog and attach every single pad in the box of sanitary napkins to said dog, “because she needed a band-aid”.

7.       Little boys will get frustrated with peel and eat shrimp while dining in a large restaurant. If you choose to ask them what’s wrong, be prepared to hear them loudly exclaim, to your utter horror, and to the enjoyment of the entire dining establishment, “I CAN’T GET THESE DARN TESTICLES OFF!”

8.       Boys, after playing two hours of high school football in 100 degree weather, smelling like they’ve rolled on a dead animal, will grab their mommas after a football game, wrap them in a bear hug and kiss them on the forehead. Then, he will laugh at your disgust for transferring his bodily fluids all over your favorite t-shirt and your hair, smile his most charming smile and say, “I love you, momma.”

9.       Boys will somehow find a way to finagle themselves into an upside down position, and remain there for hours while playing a DS.

10.   Boys will decide to build a car model and it will never occur to them to put newspaper under it before they lay it on your deck and proceed to spray the paint.

11.   Boys, of any age, will sit on a skateboard at the top of a driveway with a 45 degree slope and gleefully scream right before they nearly face plant in the gravel road at the bottom. Some teenage boys have been known to actually do this while holding a guitar.

12.   Teenage boys believe they’re starving. Three teenage boys will easily devour ½ a large jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, a box of cereal and two bags of chips in the eight hours that it takes you to sleep at night.

13.   A five year old boy will swing an aluminum ball bat at the family jewels of a twenty-something male while yelling, “Don’t talk to my momma like that!”

14.   A three year old boy will eventually be found sitting at your vanity, covered in your lipstick and will say, “I pretty like you momma.”

15.   A boy will, at some point in their formative years, put your bra on his head and wear it like a hat. He might even do this while wearing nothing else but his super hero underwear and a pair of your knee highs.

16.   A teenage boy will blow up a condom in Biology class. They will not leave it at that. Their task is not complete until they’ve let go of it and it lands at the teacher’s feet.

17.   A pre-teen boy will discover, while sitting in the school cafeteria, that if you shake a carton of chocolate milk hard enough, it will explode when you open it, thereby spraying chocolate milk upon everything within a twenty foot radius. Once will not be enough – they will do it at least three times, a teacher will catch on and they will attend two days of in school suspension.

18.   At some point, every boy will decide that it’s a good idea to stand at the end of the driveway and throw rocks, and it will not occur to them that they could hit a passing car until an angry neighbor gets out of their car to approach them.

19.   At some point a teacher may say to a teenage boy, “I’ve got a fine line today and you’re on it.” Do not be surprised if your teenage boy sits back in his chair and drawls with a grin, “Well….I guess that makes me Johnny Cash.”

20.   A boy will make you *really* mad and then, with an impish grin, will say, “You’re the best momma in the whole world.” And, he’ll mean it.

Boys, of all ages, are sheer joy. Boys are worth every broken piece of furniture, every carpet stain, broken window, wrecked car and growing  grocery bill and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I'm a momma to boys; and, I'm glad....



5 comments:

  1. This just makes me wish I was a boy. :-/

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am too :) And my little boy misses you!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I miss him too, and his momma! Kiss his sweet little boy face for me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. this is one of my favorites!

    ReplyDelete