Thursday, 6 January 2011

A Look At Past Relationships

What do you feel when you look back at past relationships? Are you still angry or hurt? Do you find yourself stomping around thinking, “I’d like to punch that jerk-face right in the schnoz?”
Let me tell ya – I’ve been involved with some of the worst kind of jerk-faces. But, you know what? I’m thankful. Yeah, you read that right – thankful. Every one of those jack-wagons taught me something and has my heartfelt gratitude.
Jack-wagon:  I’d love to know who coined that expression. It’s my new favorite ever since seeing “J” imitate that commercial.
"Maybe we should chug on over to mamby pamby land where maybe we can find some self confidence for you, you jack wagon!" (Geico commercial asking does a former drill sergeant make a good therapist?)
Oh, sorry…back on topic…
Every one of those jack-wagons (giggle) … (clears throat and tries to keep a straight face) (ha ha…I said “jack-wagon”) …every one of them taught me to be a stronger and better me. They taught me my limits. They contributed to my journey of discovering what I’m worth. They taught me that I don’t deserve every negative thing that comes my way.
Through high school I didn’t date. Oh sure, I had a few so-called boyfriends; but really, nothing special. I would like to say here (though I doubt any of these guys will read this blog post) that I certainly hope none of you past relationships who happen to read this will take offense to anything I have to say about you. What was then is not what is now.
MW -- My first long term relationship came about a year after high school. We were together two years. Honestly, I think my involvement with him just came from seeing all my other friends with someone and taking the first thing that came along. We had such a rocky relationship. We were both pretty young and really stupid. The one thing we got right was “D”. *sigh* I miss that kid but that’s another post.
He gave me “D” and because of that I learned to look past myself at how my actions affect another person. I learned to be less self absorbed. Notice here I said less… I was still somewhat self absorbed. I was 19 when D was born. For any of you who remember being that age you are painfully aware that I still had a ways to go… I was such a shrew.
We split when D was two. Sometimes I think the aftermath of the breakup was worse than the relationship itself. I was never fair to him. I don’t think I really loved him. I think I just wanted someone to love me. Wow, when I put it in print like that it sounds so terrible. What a crappy thing for me to do to him.
I’m sorry. I’m glad you finally found the right girl for you and I’m glad that we’ve been able to build a friendship in order to benefit D. I love your wife. You did good. J
BJ – There are so many things to say about this guy. We only dated briefly but I ended up with one of the first real friendships I would ever have and we maintained that friendship the entire time I lived in Misery…oh, umm, I mean Missouri. It was the first time I ever experienced real love – the kind that meant something. He held my hand through so many things and I still smile when I think of him. He showed me what it meant to be a true friend and he taught me that you can’t make someone love you back.
IR – Oh my goodness! This guy… *laugh*. I don’t know if I can actually call this a relationship. It was more like an….ummm…involvement? It wasn’t traditional, that’s for sure. At any rate, he taught me to live in the moment. He taught me not to take life so seriously. He taught me to laugh with everything I had. He could be a jerk sometimes but what made that ok was the fact that he was up front about it. He never claimed to be anything other than what he was. Now days when I refer to him as a jack-wagon, it’s with fondness.
He hurt me…but only for a minute. I knew better and ignored the reality. I’m glad I didn’t do any permanent damage when I pegged him in the head with that full beer can.
Michael – I’m not going to go too far into this one. He was abusive and I’m glad it’s over. I hope you understand if I’m not willing to relive details of this story.
Here’s what he taught me – He taught me to stand up for myself. He taught me that if you don’t let people know how to treat you then you have no business complaining when they walk all over you. He taught me that being alone was much better than being involved with a jack-wagon.  (giggle…I said jack-wagon again) He taught me not to ignore the warning signs when presented with a loser. He taught me that baby blue eyes and a pretty smile don’t make a good relationship. He taught me that love doesn’t hurt the object of its affection. He taught me that the most dangerous things are often wrapped in the prettiest packages.
Don came next – But, for obvious reasons, we’ll skip over that one for now. See previous blog post “How I Met My Husband”…  ----> here

RS – Believe it or not, this one doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m not even mad. Sometimes I wish I could say I never married him though. He hurt me twice but he gave me J.
He taught me that leopards don’t change their spots. A relationship that didn’t work the first time is probably not going to work when revisited. Like my good friend Brian says, “If you put spoiled milk back in the fridge and go back for it a week later, it’s still going to be spoiled when you pull it back out.” He taught me that when someone loves you they don’t put you on a shelf to take down when they have time for you or need you. He taught me that love sticks around when things get tough. He taught me to recognize the expressions of a liar.
EH – This one still makes me roll my eyes a little. He wasn’t a jack-wagon (giggle, I said jack-wagon). He was passive, indecisive and unsure of himself. He made it easy for me to walk all over him. That’s really all I can say. He taught me that I need a man who is stronger than me. He showed me how exhausting it can be to date a woman…*giggle*. Sorry there fella…It really was a lot like dating a woman.
Don – never a jack-wagon (giggle). Not in a real sense -- although he does have his moments. He’s taught me how comfortable and easy love is when it’s real. He’s taught me to share my life with another person. He’s taught me compromise. He’s taught me what it means to really be happy with someone. He’s taught me that love is something you do, not something you say. He’s taught me to smile from the inside. He’s taught me that love understands and appreciates the imperfections of its object. He’s taught me that when you really love someone you can be mad at them and still think, feel and say, “I love you”.
I could go on and on with this one; but, you all know that he makes me a big blob of mush. Can you believe that the one year anniversary is only 4 months away?
Ok, I’m signing off before you all start gagging…

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